Athazagoraphobia
by Nameless-kun
Summary: A fear of being alone, ignored, or forgotten. Alfred has lived with this almost his whole existence. He says stupid things to keep himself noticed. But what will happen the day someone finds out about his "discomfort"? Or worse, what if they forget about him? Sucky summary, I know. May turn to AmeCan. Cover done by PinkPolice.
1. The Slip-Up

Being a nation is hard. Besides the whole work thing, you know, keeping your country up and on top, making sure no one else tries to take over when you're not looking, all that stuff. Being the living embodiment of a country is really lonely. Especially for me, I'm the embodiment of the great US of A. But my real name is Alfred. Alfred Franklin Jones, but F. Jones just sounds cooler. Anyways, I guess I should explain why I'm up here on the top of Lady Liberty, my favorite place to be. It honestly didn't happen that long ago, maybe a week or so. It just all happened so fast, which is saying something cause I've been alive for more than 236 years!

So basically, it started out just like any other meeting. Everyone was yelling and stuff, Germany was trying to get everyone's attention and I was just eating my Big Mac. I was being pretty quiet for once, I guess it was cause of the economy and I hate talking about it, even if I got a fool-proof plan Arthur always finds ways to poke holes in it. So I just stay quiet til someone calls on me, but after a few minutes no one even looks at me. My stomach begins to churn and the Big Mac doesn't look as appetizing anymore. I give them a bit more but still nothing, my breathing is getting faster and I begin to bite my lips. My heart is racing before another minutes passes. All these words in my head start screaming at me until I finally break and jump out of my seat, exclaiming the loudest I can. "Hey dudes! Let's just focus a little bit more on me and how my economy is doing just fine!" That did it, every nation with a short temper snaps on me causing the rest of the room to turn to me and watch as I argue with every shout thrown at me. Despite the horrible things they are saying about me, I still smile and laugh proudly. Why? Because I am alive. I should probably tell you what that means though, huh? I hate being out of the conversation, out of attention. I can't stand not being seen. The feeling cuts into my gut and twists like a knife. So, to stop that feeling, I stay around people. I include myself in every conversation around me, even if that just means they can insult me all they want.

The meeting finally ended after Germany had some...less than civil words used towards me concerning my mother's 'special parts' and where she used to spend her nights in Amsterdam. Needless to say, it was exactly what I needed because even after everyone shuffled out, I was still spoke to. England made a few comments about how childish I was but that didn't matter. Once the room was mostly empty I looked around the room before my eyes rested on the perfect solution to my discomfort. My baby brother, Canada, I just like to call him Mattie though. So I make my way over and beam the best smile I have. "Sup, lil bro?"

"Umm, not much? Why do you always do that, America?" Matthew chuckles the smallest bit before raising a brow, he never calls me by my name at work so I have to huff and pout before he sighs and corrects himself. "Why do you always do that to yourself, _Alfred_?" I just shrug and wrap an arm around his shoulder, the smile is back on my face.

"I dunno. I thought I had a pretty good plan going!"

"You wanted to just build a giant ATM so that the world can take out money as they please."

"And it was a really good idea!"

"Except, where is all the money going to come from to put into the machine?"

"The banks. They always have money."

"And where do you think the banks get all their money from?"

"Uhh..."

"..." Matthew looks at me with a straight face, complete with his patented 'Really? Are you sure you are my brother that has lived _this_ long?' look. I glance at him before I burst out laughing, patting his shoulder much harder than I expected.

"I'm just joking! I know the idea wouldn't have worked."

"Then why did you say it!?" His voice raises the smallest bit, he never really had a loud voice to begin with. I blink quickly for a moment then shake my head and shrug.

"I'unno. Just wanted to give an idea." I try to sound cool and calm but I am anything but. I haven't told Mattie about my 'problem'. If I had my way, I wouldn't tell anyone at all. But with the slip ups I have sometimes, someone is bound to find out. So I need to get better at hiding it. I have to.

"Alfred...what's the matter with you?" Shit.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. You have been blurting out ridiculous ideas for the longest time. And you just smile when people insult you. That's...well, that's not exactly healthy." Matthew frowns as he looks down at his hands. As if he knows the meaning to healthy. He is forgotten constantly, no one pays him any attention. Maybe...maybe that's why I am around him so much. Cause he actually knows how it feels to be forgotten...

"Hey, they don't mean it. So why let it get to me?" I flash him a bright smile as he began to walk outside. The meeting was held in Ottawa this time so we head over to Mattie's house. He doesn't even bother to remind me about inviting myself over anymore. I just sort of follow him home most of the time unless I got something else to do. He unlocks the door and we head in, he gives me a very serious look, which is pretty scary since he has such a baby face. But I stop moving once my shoes are off and he raise a brow at him. "What?"

"Don't lie to me, Alfred. I know when you are lying." Damn. Maybe if I play dumb he will leave me alone.

"What do you mean? I'm not lying."

"Yes. You are. You're starting to bite your lips." Shit, bitch, honey glazed tits.

"Mattie. I got no clue what you are talking about." He stares me down for a moment before he sighs, giving up in his futile attempt at making me crack.

"Fine. Just...tell me if something is bothering you, alright?"

"Sure. You'll be the first to know." What? it's not a lie. The whole 'being alone' thing doesn't bug me. It makes me think that the world is crashing and I feel like I am going to puke but no, not bother. Never bother. That would be ridiculous for a Hero. To have the thought of being alone, or ignored...rejected...forgotten by everyone you ever met...

"Al? ….re...ight? Yo...akin..." Jesus I can barely get the thoughts out of my head. I'm not alone. I swear I'm not. There are lots of people that know me, and remember me. Lots! They just can't handle having me in their lives every moment of the day! But they still think about me. They know Alfred F. Jones. They know me! They know! I don't even notice my feet carry me to the bathroom until my hands are clenched on the bowl of the toilet and I am heaving up everything I had eaten through the day. My whole body is shaking and I can just barely make out the cold sweat that is forming on my skin as Mattie places a hand on the back of my neck, trying to rub small, soothing circles into it. By the time I am done throwing up and my breathing is making it's way to a normal rhythm, I can hear Mattie speak again. "Alfred...what the hell is the matter with you?"

"'M jus' a lil sick..." My words are slurred and barely there, he frowns deeply at me and I have to look away. Dammit, stop looking at me like that. It was just a small panic, I will be fine. I always am. He watches me a little longer before he sits up on the edge of the bathtub.

"I think we should get you home...let you rest." I jerk upwards but my head spins, I see three or four clones of the canadian for a moment.

"C'n I...c'n I stay 'ere?" I take a few calming breaths before my words start to sound like some semblance of American. "I just...I just don't wanna go all the...all the way home." He gives me a look, a look that clearly says 'I know you are trying to hide something but I will find out what it is.' And I am okay with that. Because if he is here with me, then I will be fine. No attacks, just me and Mattie. Completely safe. Mattie sighs as he carefully hoists me up to stand, my knees are still a little wobbly but I make it to his room where I fall on the mattress. He laughs faintly at me and I smile, after a few minutes of whining I get him to come have a nap with me. As he pulls the covers up over us, I swear I see this almost pitying look in his eyes. He kisses my forehead like when we were kids and turns off the light. He doesn't even say a word when I wrap my hand around his arm, making sure that he is going to be there the entire time I am asleep.


	2. The Major Attack, like, Terrorist Major

_Hi guys! Umm, I would like to thank you all for reading, commenting, and following this story. It really means a lot. I will try my best to update more now that I have a bit of muse. So here is the next installment of Athazagoraphobia. (It is so hard to remember how to type this!)_

I woke up the next morning with a large yawn, my eyes squinting at the sun's rays. I shift slightly to get comfy when my hands flex and stretch.

Shit.

I jump up and look around the room frantically. The place a blur without my glasses which doesn't help my situation at all. My heart starts to rise up my throat and my stomach whirls and flips on itself. I try to say something, anything but my voice is gone. Mattie disappeared. He left me. He probably forgot about me and is better off without me around. My mind goes into a spiral so deep that I don't even register the door opening as my head snaps from one spot of the room to the other. I finally get pulled out of my almost trance by a pair of hands and the faint smell of maple syrup.

"Alfred? Hey, it's just me. Calm down. I brought you some breakfast cause Kumajishi woke me early." Thank God. His voice relaxes me. My heart returns to it's rightful place and I take a breath I didn't even know I was holding. I can see the blurred expression of my brother. He is giving me a confused look but I brush it off. I just chuckle softly and lean my head on his shoulder.

"Oh man. Dude I had the scariest dream last night. It was beyond cray." I smile at his arm before closing my eyes. The blur was starting to hurt my head. I hear him laugh in that cute way before he pats my head.

"Huh. You having a scary dream? Now that is just strange, eh?"

"Hehe. You said eh."

"It's not that funny, Al."

"What are you talking aboot?" I sit back up and flash a winning smile, feeling around for my glasses. I put them on to see Mattie giving me a cold look.

"I don't even say that."

"Yes you do, buddy."

"You have been watching South Park again, haven't you?" I give a little pout and nod to him.

"Come on. Just say the line. Please?" I drag out the last syllable for added effect. Mattie crumbles with a sigh and a roll of the eyes.

"I'm not your buddy, Pal." He replies in a flat tone. I break into a fit of laughter as he silently judges me, using that passive aggressive anger of his. I calm myself enough to sigh and lean on him again, a content smile on my face.

"This why I love ya, Mattie." His cheeks go red and he scoffs, moving away from me to grab the breakfast tray he has at the end of the bed. He puts the tray on my lap and mumbles about having to make sure Kuma-what's-it's-face hasn't torn into another bag of food before he makes his way to the door. I smile my best to him before I take a are bite of pancake. I made a sound of enjoyment loud enough that Mattie's eyes are blown wide open and his cheeks are as bright as he leaf on his flag. He sputters before running out of the room, I laugh to myself despite the slowly growing pit in my stomach as I listen to the silence of the room.

After I finish my breakfast much faster than I should have, mostly cause of the silence, I follow a trail of muddy prints through the hall. I raise a brow at the sight, Mattie is shaking his finger at a polar who honestly looks like a rebellious teen. Seriously, the bear could be rolling it's eyes if it wanted to-It did! It actually rolled it's eyes! Where the hell did Mattie find this guy? The polar bear simply gets up and walks past my legs, muttering about getting more food as Mattie tried his best to guilt the thing into apologizing for the paw prints. It clearly wasn't working. The Canadian sighed as his shoulders slumped down. I laughed when his bottom lip jutted out into a pout, his eyes travelling up to me before he straightened out. He clearly didn't want to look that cute around me at he moment, I didn't mind. Oh. By the way, I should probably mention that I kinda got a crush on my brother. I don't find it bird or nothing cause everybody is related somehow and we all decided to stop dating normal people. At least after the whole 'Joan of Arc' debacle. Anyway, I like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me. I mean, I haven't seen him get all catholic school girl around anyone else. You just say the word sex around him and his cheeks practically burst into flames. But hey, I think it's cute. While I'm off in my own world, Mattie walks up to me and starts to talk. When he notices that I'm not listening he sighs and takes the tray from me, I blindly follow him cause he tugs my hand along until we get to the kitchen. I laugh to myself as I start thinking about Mattie in a dress or something but he hits my stomach with a damp hand and I let out the manliest screech I can muster. He blinked at me for a moment before he starts to laugh, I don't really see anything wrong so I laugh along too. That's when the phone rings and Mattie picks it up, he answers in English before quickly switching to French. I sigh and watch him for a moment. He frowns then glances at me before replying to the person on the other end. When he hangs up I start to shift uncomfortably. He was glancing at me numerous times and that can never be a good sign. I tilt my had and give him a curious look after he exhales.

"Al, I...uhh, I gotta go for a meeting...with Francis. So I won't be here for a couple days." My stomach plummets into feet. Oh no. He shifts from one foot to the other, a nervous smile on his face as he tries to remedy the look of devastation on my face. "Hey. I won't be gone long and maybe Japan can take care of you, eh?" He purposely puts in the eh for y amusement and when it doesn't work I can literally see his heart crack. His voice softens to a faint whisper. "Look Alfred. Maybe...Maybe it is a good thing to spend some time to yourself, you know, get some thoughts in order, clean a few things, maybe even just to get over that stomach flu you have. Just...call me if you need me, okay? I will have my phone on the entire time." He hugs me and kisses my cheek. My heart pounds and before I can think what I am doing I grab his cheeks and crush our lips together. Maybe it was a desperate attempt at making him stay. Maybe I just needed to show him my feelings already, either way it ended with him running to France's place with wide eyes and tears going down his cheeks.

I made my way home in shock, not bothering to speak with Tony, or even Obama when they see me. I just go straight to my room and fall onto the bed. It isn't until I calm myself down enough to notice that it has been two days since I kissed Mattie and two days since I had locked myself in my room. I sit up and glance around the room, a nagging feeling creeping up into my chest. It spreads the more I look around until it envelopes my heart and lungs then squeezes them. My heart feels like it has stopped while I desperately struggle for a breath. Jesus, why did I have to lock myself in? Why wasn't I around someone? _Anyone?_ My vision spins and I begin to shake violently. My head whips around to the sound of knocking on my door. I try to say something, anything to get the person to come in but my throat constructs around every breath, leaving me mute and gasping for air. These voices in my head get louder with each passing second.

_You're completely alone!_

_No one would remember such a fuck up!_

_Everyone is better off with you not around!_

_People don't even love you._

_They forget you, ditch you at the nearest possible moment._

_Alone~ Alone! All alone, Alfred!_

The voices swirl around viciously, my hands gripping my hair in a death grip as I take loud, gasping breaths. The body at my door knocks louder, I faintly hear a shout from the other side. I start to recognize it but the voices take on a mimic of everyone I know. Germany, England, even Mattie start to mock me and insult me.

_I know the world is better without that disgusting nation._

_I don't even remember wasting a breath on it._

_I don't even want to be near the thing that kissed me._

The shouts in my mind are practically vibrating my skull, I hear a bloody shriek rip from my throat and the door bursts open. I refuse to see who it is as my eyes are tightly shut, tears brimming out the corners. I struggle to find my breath as three sets of hands make contact with me. The first holds my shoulders down as I toss and turn. The second tries to pry my hands out of my hair, causing me to pull a few small chunks. And the third is softly running along my cheeks, I can hear the distant calling of my name so I move towards it. The fake voices drowning in the calming tone the person has. I take a large gasping breath as my eyes fly open. I look around quickly to see England, France, and Canada staring at me in matching looks of horror and despair. Mattie's eyes are lined with tears as he stops speaking, repeating my name and reminding me that it is okay as if it was his own mantra. My mind finally slows down enough to process the scene around me.

Fuck. I really have been caught this time. My mind races as I think of what they are about to say.

I should have dead bolted my door.


	3. Things are Better Now, Right?

_Hi again! I want to thank all of you that are reviewing this, it really let's me know that I am doing a good job. And as you have noticed, I am getting better with my chapters! They are slowly popping up faster and faster. I would have done this chapter sooner but life beckoned me to do her chores so I had to comply. I don't actually know French so I used the wonders of Google translate! So if something is up with the translation, I got no clue about it._

_Here is what they will say:_

Mon Dieu! Il vous a pris assez de temps! = _My God! It took you long enough!_

Nous avons finalement parlé et pensé tout ça. Je vous remercie pour votre sollicitude, Papa. = _We finally talked about it and figured it all out. Thank you for your concern, Dad._

_I would like to thank those of you who wrote me reviews:_

_spiritualnekohime4, bribri16, fan girl of sorts, Anon007, and the review I am dedicating this chapter to! Selia!_

_Tha_

_Anyways, enjoy the third chapter!_

It has been an hour. A full hour of Arthur lecturing me about how 'he knew something was up, no one believed him though.' But I think it is just because he was talking to his imaginary friends again. He just keeps going and going about crazy things with Francis nodding every so often and even softly agreeing with Arthur. Those two have had a thing for years so it's no surprise that they agree with each other on some things. Mattie though, he has been completely silent the entire time. Like, stone cold silence wheel you need to poke him just to check and see if he is still alive, kind of silent.

He is staring down at his hands before he looks up at Arthur with a weird look. His voice is a hoarse whisper. "Give us a bit, okay?"

"Well, I-" Francis stands then wraps his arm around Artie's waist before leading him out.

"Of course. We will be outside when you are ready, Mon cher." And with that the door shut with a deafening click. Then the silence hit. I start to fidget and squirm, freezing instantly when Mattie looks at me. Dang. He is giving me that look. That look I had hoped he wouldn't give again after the Japan bombings. That look of utter disappointment with hints of betrayal.

"Why would you hide it?" He sounds utterly heart-broken and it kills me to hear it but this...'problem' is so much worse. So...I give him Stupid Alfred. In other words, I play oblivious.

"What do you mean? I swear I told you about that maple syrup I took." I try to get at least a laugh outta him but nothing. If anything, his face gets even more dark and hurt.

"Alfred, stop. This isn't a joke."

"Tell me about it. I don't even have a good punch line-" Mattie stands up, knocking the chair over behind him as his voice erupts.

"Dammit, Alfred! Just stop trying that stupid charade for once in your life!" My eyes snap shut for a moment then they widen in surprise. My breath hitches and I stare at him for a long while before I can swallow a growing lump in my throat and nod. He watches my eyes go down to the floor and he sighs before I hear the chair being fixed.

It takes him a moment to regain his composure, he speaks with a quiet tone again. "Alfred...how long have you been keeping this a secret from me?" I dare to glance up at him and my chest starts to contract slightly.

"Then explain why you ran." I deadpan before he rolls his eyes.

"Al, this isn't the time to-"

"No!" My voice raises a little. "I'll tell you if you tell me why you ran away a few days ago." He gives me an unwavering stare before he sighs, his cheeks begin to burn before he answers back.

"W-Well...I didn't really know how to react. I mean, my brother kisses me and I don't know i-if it is serious or if it just to get me to stay home. B-But Francis called me a little while after and said he had to cancel. He noticed something was up so he asked. I-I told him what happened and he invited me over to talk about it." He was playing with the tips of his fingers by now, a little nervous tick he has had since he was a kid, his eyes are downcast before he looks me right in the eyes. "I-If I would have known you would have reacted like this I wouldn't have left, not without a call at least..."

Oh. He thought the attack was from me kissing him? That...could actually work out. I stay silent before he gestures for my turn to answer. I pull out the best fidget I can and I shrug. "It's fine. I just...freaked out. I didn't know if you hated me or what so I just...locked myself in here."

He nodded slowly and scooched his chair closer to mine before his hand sat on my knee. His head tilted down to get into my view as he gave a small smile, that little smile that no matter how stupid I am...he is still happy. Mattie blinks once, twice, then speaks. "Well...I don't hate you. You have done a lot more dumb things in the past than just a kiss. But, maybe next time you could ask, eh?"

Ask? Wait, does he mean-?

"Yes, Al. That means what you think it does." Oops. Must have said that out loud. Meh, whatever. I got the answer I was hoping for! I flash him a grin and swoop him up into a hug. Mattie hugs me back but I can't help it when my smile starts to die. Am I only doing this to have someone around? Am I only using Mattie? I don't want to but...I can't help but think it. He pulls away and gives me a peck on the cheek before taking my hand. I stare down at our clasped hands while he leads me to the door, opening it with a child-like smile.

Arthur blinks up from his paper that he found, I didn't even know we had papers in the house, he scoffs loudly. "Solved the problem, have you? It better be the last damned one you have, Alfred Jones." He wags his finger and I roll my eyes, that smile just stuck to my face. Mattie looks to me and nods.

"It's alright now. Don't worry about it." Francis popped his head out of the kitchen and stared at our hands for a moment, Mattie gets very self conscious and starts to shift on his weight. The man finally lets out a joyful yell and hugs the both of us, obviously he was cooking cause he got whatever it was on our shirts.

"Mon Dieu! Il vous a pris assez de temps!" I stare at him for a while as Matt just laughs, his cheeks bright red. I never quite got french. Yeah it was a pretty smooth sounding language but all the rules involved just kinda turned me off of learning it.

"Nous avons finalement parlé et pensé tout ça. Je vous remercie pour votre sollicitude, Papa." Francis muttered something else, causing Matt to go bright red and give him a good thwack on the shoulder. I have no idea what they said but I thought it was hilarious. Artie just groaned and scoffed about a frog's language. After a bit of laughing, rolling eyes, and a few more sexual innuendos (at least, that's what I was guessing Francis was saying anyways) the two went back home, leaving just my lil bro and me. We had barely let go of each other's hands that whole night. It made me feel light and excited.

"Well, I should probably get going too. I have a meeting tomorrow with some National Park Representatives and I can't be late." My hand twitches lightly and the happy feeling come crashing down. I look up at him and stare at him for a beat.

"Do you have to? Go home, I mean. You can stay the night here and I can drop you off. I got nothing planned anyways." Please say yes, please say yes. Just the thought of him leaving me here is making the darkness creep in. My head feels dizzy, and not in the good way, my heart clenchs, and my lungs feel like barbed wire is being wrapped around them.

"Al...I don't know...I wouldn't want to wake you up early on your day off." I shake away the feeling and give a non chalant shrug, flashing him a grin.

"Hey. It's no problem. What are heroes for?" He looks down and I can see his will wavering before he finally sighs, giving my hand a loving squeeze accompanied with a smile.

"Alright then, Mr. Hero. I'll set a few alarms, that way we don't sleep through and miss my meeting." I chuckle and give him a mock salute.

"Okey dokey, El Capitan!" His eyes roll behind his lids and he shakes his head. I give him a cheeky smile back as I breathe a silent sigh of relief. See, I would have been fine tonight with Tony but part way through the evening I got a text saying that he was going to go bug some tourists in Nevada for a few days. I think it is Alien Week or something for him, so that would mean that I would be by my self for a while. Not a good thing. Especially since my little 'irritation' was becoming more of an amputation situation. It would only be a matter of time until someone actually caught me on it and I had nothing to get me out of it.

We get ready for bed like normal, crawl into the bed and pull the covers up. Mattie gives me a small smile as he takes his glasses off, doing the same for me before he leans forward to give me a light kiss. We snuggle up closer and get comfortable in each other's arms. We share twin smiles before I nuzzle the tip of my nose against his. "Night, Mattie." He yawns as a tired smile spreads across his lips.

"Night, Alfred. See you in the morning." The guy falls asleep faster than a rock hits the bottom of a puddle. I just watch him for a bit with a warm smile, ignoring the dark shadows waiting for me in sleep and in the corners of my room. I start to think again, which is something I really should not have been doing but what else was I going to do? I think about how my little brother will react if I told him the truth. I think about what would happen if he told everyone. How everyone would react to it, if they would even react to it. Would they kick me out of meetings and treat me like even more a kid? Just because I was 'sick in the head'? It took Germany how long before people began to trust him after World War Two. I remember Arthur ranting to the Allies about how Germany was a danger to everyone, and how, in his own opinion, he thought the nation should be completely disassembled and shared among other nations so nothing could come out of the place and repeat history. Now, I know it hasn't endangered my people, this issue, but I was really scared that one day it would. So for a large part of the night, I thought. I thought about every possible way I could tell Matt the truth but by the end of it I had come to a decision. I wasn't going to tell him. I had kept it a secret for this long so I could handle keeping it secret for longer. Right?


End file.
